i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
