I should be sponsored by Trojan
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
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