You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
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