Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
