you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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