I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
