Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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