dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
i think i just lost a toe
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
