I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
This girl is more easily done than said...
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
