omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
