can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
