before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
