Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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