shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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