we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
She bit a glass in half.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
