somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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