they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
