at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
He had one of those small greek statue penises
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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