You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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