I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
