They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
