Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
