The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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