I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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