angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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