just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
