so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
