I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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