Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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