There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Randomize
