so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
