Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
