highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
