I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
