So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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