I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
