remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
