That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
