Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
