you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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