i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
She's the barista slut.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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