I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Randomize
