Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
