I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
