Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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