Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
