this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I wear drunk well.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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