My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
