You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
