Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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