Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize