Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
