I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
