Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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