after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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