8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
