I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
