It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
