Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
