yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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