if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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