He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
