I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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